I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
