god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
