OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
