is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
