oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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