If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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