Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
