I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
