Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
