just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
