Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just invented taco cereal.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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