wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
