y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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