I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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