Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
