I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you had me at cake vodka
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My bed smells like the plague
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
