I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
