How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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