I accidentally had phone sex last night
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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