I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
