I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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