Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
