just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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