I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
