My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
