Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
