bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
