My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
