can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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