Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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