Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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