3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i will never coherently bang her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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