Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
