She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
