onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
