forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
