You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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