pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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