Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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