My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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