My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
