Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
