yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
