I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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