just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
