Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
