I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
