I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
