Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
