i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
